Friday, February 1, 2013

Where it all started..

Soo I'm not really sure why I even have a blog but since I have one I figured I might as well use it! I think I'm supposed to tell you some things about myself? Well that could take a while but I think I know where I should start..

With Tanner Perkins
This is going to be crazy hard for me to write but if you wanna know about me you have to know about him.. And us.

It started just over 6 years ago. We barely knew each other when he "asked me out" and of course being the little 7th grader that I was I had made a rule that I wouldn't have a boyfriend for more than 2 weeks. That's when he became the exception for everything in my life. He became my whole world. Literally every decision I made from then on was based off of him and his plans and what would make him happy. He was the center of my every plan for every day. I gave him everything I had. Tanner made me who I am today and for that I am so thankful. I could never describe what he's done for me. He's kept me in line, he's lifted me up when I was down, he was always there for me through the hardest times in my life. Without him I have no idea where I'd be. Probably homeless under a bridge somewhere with no motivation or even feelings what so ever. Tanner made me stronger.

Don't think our relationship was perfect because trust me, it was far from it. We really knew how to push each others buttons. We knew each other all too well. We knew exactly what the other was going to do and when they'd do it. We both messed up a lot along the way. I got so lost at some points and I really hurt him. And karma would come around and he'd hurt me but then we'd always end up back together. We were on repeat. Well.. Not anymore...

What?? How weird is that? We really didn't break up we got divorced. I never thought the day would really come. And when i say divorce I think people think I'm being dramatic but I say it because we basically lived together at one point. Everything I owned was at his house in his room. He was even nice enough to share some drawers in his dresser. How do you let all of this go? How do you let go of 6 years of your life and 6 years of plans for your lives together? How do you give up on something you've worked so hard for?

I'm just hangin out trying to figure it out because I have to. And I will. Like I said he made me stronger. For that I will never be able to thank him enough. He's given me memories I will never forget. Good ones and bad ones. But every single one has shaped me to be who I am today. Today I feel broken but strong. I know I can make it through even though without him it's so much harder. But I know in the end I'll be the strongest I've ever been.

I know he's moved on. I can honestly say that I truly hope he's happy. I hope he finds what he needs. I want him to have the best life he can have.

There will always be a special place in my heart for him. I will always love him and care about him. And even be there for him if he ever needs it.

And I hope this hasn't all been so extremely cheesy and poorly written that its just so annoying, but honestly it helps me to talk about it.

I'm sorry I'm a terrible speller and I don't know how to use punctuation... Thanks everyone who doesn't even follow me!

1 comment:

  1. You are lovely Ash, and I hope you can find what you need to; to me it sounds like a lot of the past 6 years have been built around him being happy, or you doing what it takes to help him be happy. it's your turn. you're in my prayers!